a year of learning to love myself and finding flow

“I feel like nobody cares about me,” I sobbed in my room, telling a childhood story of abandonment. As I opened my eyes, six faces on screen held me in their tender, unflinching gaze. A firmer voice in my head spoke up: “That’s not true. Look at these loving people.” At that moment, I discovered what unconditional love felt like.

My journal reads differently this year. Instead of recording events, each page captures nuances of emotions and a deepening journey home to myself. January entries make me cringe — “I’m not satisfied with my journal.” “Can I really catch up?” My words read like an anxious parent who never stops critiquing.

March brought the connection course that changed everything. I experienced what’s like to notice my body’s sensations — tightness in my chest, numbness, cone spinning sensation — rather than getting lost in thought. During the most intense session, I felt myself shutting down and uncovered a surprising belief: “deep down people don’t trust and love each other.” When I listened to my resistance, it spoke: “please don’t blame me.” I realized how much I had internalized past criticism into self-blame.

My body became my guide. An April emergency room visit nudged me to seek support and confront my past. In therapy, I discovered the weight I carried from not being heard or trusted. “You knew it’s not your fault,” my therapist said. “Your body knows it.” I learned that the real work wasn’t getting others to trust me; it was learning to trust myself.

In June, I joined the master class with newfound spaciousness after a Vajrayana retreat in Colorado mountains. During anger release, I let out primal screams I never knew I had. My body trembled and went numb, then filled with unexpected lightness. I cried often in my room, feeling waves of both grief and joy. I don’t want to manage or blame myself anymore.

In fall, I tried to follow my enjoyment. I gave myself permission to rest, sought meaningful conversations, and tried new experiences. Fear showed up, but I learned that freedom comes not from overcoming fear, but embracing it. This lesson led me to New York, where a workshop invited me to embody my opposite self. It was hard, but also freeing.

When I came home and learned that I wasn’t accepted into a year-long program with the community that had shown me unconditional love, my heart broke. Yet soon I recognized my old patterns showing up. I learned to hold the part that felt abandoned while giving myself the love I needed.

Still, something was missing. I oscillated between aliveness and disconnection until winter, when a speaking class awakened my energy and confidence. I found myself moving from freezing — managing impressions, anticipating criticism, searching for “right” words — to authentic expression. Speaking from my heart gave me vitality. My body became a channel for energy. People told me how connected they felt.

I realized I had twisted enjoyment into self-sabotage again, creating helplessness to avoid love and support. My subconscious tried to protect me through isolation — a childhood survival strategy I no longer needed. I began to see the abundance of care in the people around me.

As I recognize who I am, not who I used to be or who I should be, my path grows clearer. I see myself as a protagonist free to make choices without the need to follow a “right” path, instead of a passive character constrained by circumstances.

Now I want to help others find this authentic self-connection. Three things call me forward in 2025:

• Exploring coaching while deepening my understanding of psychology and human experience
• Building deeper connections as I move to San Francisco, including intimate relationship
• Developing trust through consistent practices in writing, publishing, and speaking

I intend to embody connection, genuineness, and passion. This means choosing to connect with an open heart even when scared, letting my natural enthusiasm guide me, and caring for my body.